Inside the Brain of a Fat Girl

Yes. I used the dreaded F word. C’mon. It’s okay to say. Let’s say it together.

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Fat.

Now, see. That wasn’t so scary. Many folks out in the world are scared to use the word fat because it has such a negative connotation. It’s a “bad” thing, and if you call someone that word, it’s as if you’re calling them bad, too.

The similar thing happens when you call a person black.

You know how people get. They crouch real low, speak in a whisper, check over their shoulder in case someone hears them. “Yeah… I’m looking for Michael… he’s um… um.. ya know… black.”

Well, of course we know Michael is black. Anyone within a 50 mile radius can tell Michael is black. Why are you whispering?

Why do we find it so difficult to say these things that are purely descriptors?

It’s because we know how those groups of people get treated in our country, and it’s hard for us to acknowledge.

I don’t often use the word fat to describe myself. I usually use plus size because if I use the word fat, it’s almost always to berate myself. Some days I’m very comfortable with my body. I’ll look in the mirror and say “Gahhhhhhh Damn! The lord blessed you with some mighty fine looks. You must be an angel!” And on other days, too many days, I think that the girl in the mirror isn’t even worth being seen. She’s fat.

I’ve been called fat many times. Behind my back and to my face. From acquaintances and people I have considered close. It’s always used as an insult, an attack on my being. Now, some people will say, “Why don’t you just lose the weight?” First of all, losing weight as a woman is extremely difficult. And second of all, why do I have to lose the weight? Why can’t the jerk who called me fat lose the attitude?

I used to feel bad when someone would call me fat. And some days, I do let it get to me. But I don’t have a problem with my size. I have a problem with the way I’m treated because of my size. I’m very comfortable with who I am as a person, and as long as I (extra emphasis on the word I) am comfortable with my being, I have nothing to change.

I’m fairly content with my size. I’m a vegetarian. And I live a lifestyle a lot healthier than many peers my age. Not everyone who is fat wants to be skinny. If anything, people who are fat want to be valued in the same way people  who are skinny or lean or “regular sized” are valued.

I used to get self conscious eating food in front of other people because I was worried that people would think I’ve had enough. I used to get uncomfortable walking into a clothing stores because I knew almost 10 times out of 9 nothing was going to fit me.  My fears and uncomfortability were justifiable. Someone always has a comment to make about the appearance of someone else. But I’m so completely over being uncomfortable because someone else is dissatisfied by my simple existence. Who has the energy to keep that up? Most certainly not I.

 

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