I have been single for quite some time. It’s okay. I am comfortable with it, but like many people across the world I long to find that special someone that I can take to the movies or split the last pizza slice with. As such, I have gone through several different means and avenues to find a suitable partner.
As suggested by Drizzy Drake, PhD, I started wearing less and going out more. I embraced my singleness in hopes that if I stopped watching the pot boil, a relationship would fall into my lap. And I’ve been to several bars and clubs, but I don’t think you can find a suitable partner with various levels of alcohol in your system and a Future song booming in the background. But I think the most interesting and counterproductive thing I’ve done to find a new boo, is using dating apps.
Happn – It’s like the missed connections section of Craigslist.
Hinge – The idea is that you find “real love” with friends of friends. But you really discover that your friends hang out with whack people.
Tinder – The hook up app of sexually explorative youth world wide.
Coffee Meets Bagel – You get a single match a day. It’s as dumb as it sounds.
Bumble – Ladies do the talking and get a taste of rejection.
Her – A lesbian dating app, and I’m not even a lesbian.
Ok Cupid – The Myspace of dating apps. It just looks like a free app.
And most recently, Clover. I tried a seven day free trial and deleted it less than 12 hours because it was a culmination of every single app I’ve ever tried.
And the conclusion I’ve arrived at is…. DATING APPS DO NOT WORK.
Dating is difficult, but I feel like the apps make it even more difficult. The allusion of mystery is ruined. You can’t get to know a guy on a date (if you make it that far) because you think you know everything from his profile and did some extra stalking on his Facebook page. Also, you have to be extremely impressive in a short amount of time. If you have the wrong picture up, the wrong quote, the wrong interests, you’re swiped left before any explanation. It’s a new form of rejection – from people you’ll never even get to know.
And dating apps are generally hook up apps. You swipe left and swipe right. There’s no way a meaningful connection can be created from that.
But you get what you pay for, and you pay nothing for dating apps, which I think is the most obvious reason they suck. It’s not like eHarmony or Match.com where you drop a couple hundred to meet the love of your life. These apps cost nothing. They’re accessible to the masses, and if something is free to you, you just don’t care about it as much as something you paid for (generally speaking). So if you’re going to use dating apps as your main mode of dating, you’re going to get the pick of a questionable litter.
Now, you may be thinking. None of this is true. I, or somebody I know or kinda know, dated a guy from a dating app and lived happily ever after. To quote the wonderful movie, He’s Just Not That Into You: these are exceptions, not the rule. Of course every blind squirrel will eventually find a nut, but not before she’s swiped every nut within a 20 mile radius.
I don’t like to leave my readers high and dry. I don’t want you to think there’s no luck on dating apps at all so I have developed a quick list of guys to avoid when finding your Tinder/Bumble/OkCupid Bae, in hopes that you can find true love in the wonderful world of dating apps:
- A man who has pictures with several other women in various photos. He’s collecting sex stories, and you will be another notch in his belt.
- A guy with a gun in his photo. Although, there is nothing overtly wrong with this. This man goes shooting enough or feels strongly enough about shooting to make it one of his dating profile pictures. Just think bout how this makes you feel…
- A man who has a beer in every picture. All he does is drink and party. When will he have time to call you back between the shots of patrón.
- White guys who post pictures of them holding black and brown children. You may be inclined to believe that he’s doing philanthropic work, but this is a rule really for my sisters of color. A white guy holding a black baby is into that white savior nonsense, and you can’t be on board with that #staywoke
- Guys with photos that look like they were pulled from a Calvin Klein Ad. Those abs too nice. That hair too Fresh. That skin too glistening’. You’re being catfished.
- Men with pictures of their washboard abs. Especially if they’re doing a mirror selfie. They care more about going to them gym than a relationship.
- Guys who still take mirror selfies. This is 2017 and Myspace is dead.
- And lastly, to my sistahs of color, any guy who says some variation of “Hey, I’ve never been with a chocolate girl before.” Trust me. It happens more often than you think, and you can do nothing but just walk away.
Happy dating, y’all. I hope you find the love of your life.