Let me just preface this blog post by saying that I really struggled writing it because I know how much crap I’m going to get for it. And even as I’m typing these words right now, I’m nervously laughing, but it’s something that I have to get off my chest. Disclaimer: This post focuses primarily on my experiences in heterosexual relationships.
If you know me, you know that the majority of the guys I’ve dated, talked to, and other lingo that youth use to describe people they’re semi-romantically involved with have been primarily white. My first love was black, and the only guy I’ve ever seriously tried to date was black, I went on a date with a couple of Latino guys (but I don’t think they realized they were dates), I went out with a Pilipino guy (and they’re high key the black people of Asian folks), but for the most part I’ve dated white guys.
When I was in my self-hating phase of life (high school), I kind of went out of my way to date only white guys. I for real thought I was white. But when I went to college and started to embrace my blackness, I wasn’t actively trying to date outside of my race. I dated mostly white guys because white men are just everywhere in San Diego, especially on my campus. Black men are just low in numbers.
Let’s do a break down of the University of San Diego:
USD is home to approximately 5,000 undergraduate students.
60% women; 40% men.
The percentage of black students is less than 3%.
Once you take away the black women,
The black men in relationships,
The black men who only like black men,
The black men who messed around with one of your girls so they’re clearly off limits,
And the black athletes because they never see the light of day,
You’re left with two black men who I’m just not that into or aren’t interested in me for a variety of reasons, and I should not have to settle just because someone is my only option. No one should. (Mama raised a girl with standards).
I’m a full time student, and I work. The only place I’m really going to meet someone is at school or Tinder, and if you’ve read my previous posts, you know the Tinder option sucks! So I’ve just been open to dating white guys because dating in a general sense is a numbers game, and I’ve been trying to increase my odds.
But it’s been terrible to say the least. The white guys I’ve dated have had fetishes for black women… BIG TIME.
Several guys have told me that they’ve never been with a girl my color before so clearly they’ve been dying to swipe their black girl card.
Another guy wanted to be my “King White Chocolate”.
One wanted to be called “Master” in the bedroom.
This other guy, and this one is funny, said that he wanted to see my “black tit”. *disc scratch*
Why does it have to be my “black tit”? Can’t it just be my “tit”? And why just one tit? What about the other tit? Why do you not want to see both titties?
Nevertheless, it’s safe to say that I no longer date, see, or interact with any of these guys anymore. However, between these fetishizing f*ck boys, were quality white guys.
I dated a guy who thought talking about race was really important and we, as a society needed to talk about it more. He also described himself as a feminist. Talk about a panty dropper. The only problem… he smoked a lot of pot… like a lot.
And I went out with another white guy who really valued my thoughts on a black character he was writing in a screenplay. He didn’t want to tokenize her. *Heart eyes for not writing bogus ass black characters*. Timing just didn’t work out for us, and I was kinda sowing my wild oats.
Dating for me has been quite difficult. And the fetishizing f*ck boys have outnumbered the quality non-fetishizing ones substantially. They’re not necessarily “bad guys”, they’ve just been heavily misguided by a culture that sees black people, black women, as foreign, exotic, and even primitive beings.
I guess the point of this post is to say that dating is hard. There’s a series of questions one asks themselves throughout the entire process. Does he like me? Is he having a good time? Is he going to ask me out again? But when you’re a black woman sometimes you have to ask a little more like… Is he into light bondage that is heavily reminiscent of slavery?
When it comes down to dating outside of my race as a socially conscious black woman, I have to be careful. I can’t just date a guy because he might be “woke”. I have to date someone who not only values me as a woman, but as a black woman, which are two completely different experiences in this country (because the way we see “woman” is white). And if my guy doesn’t understand that, then the relationship will grow at a speed ranging from snail to nonexistent.
There’s nothing wrong with dating white guys. Even though I’ve been through what I have, I am not opposed to dating a man from another race. There are many successful interracial relationships out there where both individuals understand the other’s struggles, but in my experience as a young black woman, I have not had that success.
So my advice to you is to go out there into the world. Find you a black guy, a white guy, a brown guy, any guy! Just make sure he’s a good guy for you. Don’t sacrifice any of your identities because you have a fear of being alone. The right person will come along. I promise.