The Worst Date I Ever Went On

Hey Y’all!

I wrote a post previously on how to date on Tinder. It’s proven to be quite effective, but it’s not magic or anything. It doesn’t ward off cruddy people or bad dates. So once in a while you might be chillin’ with a frog on your way to find a prince or princess or duke or duchess or whatever it is that you’re searching for, but that’s not always a bad thing. You can learn a lot from bad dates, and they make for a great story, too.

A little while ago, I went on a date with this guy I met via Tinder. He seemed like an okay guy (as they all do on Tinder). I was dating another guy a little while before him, and things didn’t end too well so to make myself feel better I thought, “Hey! You’re single as a Pringle! Why don’t you hop on that saddle and date somebody else?” I wish I never got on that saddle. I’m no equestrian.

My idea of a safe, cool date is to offer an invitation to my school and give them the ol’ campus tour. I look super cute, I buy coffee, and we just walk around campus showing off my favorite spots. Plus, I’m totally in control, it’s an easy date, and I never have to worry about anything because I feel at home. However, this guy (let’s call him Rick) ruined the campus tour date for me.

So Rick and I meet on main campus. I’m dressed as though I’m actually going on a date. My outfit is casual but nice. My hair looks cute. I’m just bangin’ all around. He, on the other hand, is dressed as if he’s going to build computer software. He’s wearing a blue workout shirt, cinder-block black Adidas, and blue dad jeans. I overlook that because it’s wrong to judge a book by the cover. But do you know why books have covers? It’s so you can decide if you even wanna read the book in the first place.

Anyways, I move past the attire into conversation, except the conversation is non-existent. We grab coffee and sit down for a little while to chat. I ask question after question, and I receive nothing. All I know about this kid is his name… barely. Talking to a brick wall would be less awkward. He asks if we can walk around some more, and I continue with the tour. I decide to show him my favorite spot on campus… And this is where shit hits the fan.

We’re in the Rose Garden now (which is actually my favorite spot, not just a place to lure romantic partners). And we’re walking around. I’m talking a mile a minute, trying to fill the air with words because the awkwardness is tangible. The date is clearly not going well, but he thinks that things are so peachy that he can hold my hand. Oh hell no!

I decide to just leave it. It’s no big deal. But then we run into someone I know, and I drop his hand like a hot tamale. It puts me on edge, but I’m grateful for the chance to stop holding his hand because let’s face it. It’s awkward  holding hands on a first date that’s only been going on for 30 minutes. We’re alone again, and this time Rick gets bold. He puts his hand on my lower back and leads me to a nearby bench. (I don’t need your hand there, buddy. I know where I’m going). I keep my coffee close to my mouth and talk as much as I can because I know what’s coming next. I keep repeating over and over, “This school is so beautiful.” I sound like a broken record. Nah, I sound like the bat that beat the record, and I can’t stop talking!

His knee touches mine.

His hand is on my thigh.

He leans in, whispers, “That’s not the only thing that’s beautiful.”  AND KISSES ME!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! No, Rick, no!!!

My eyes are wide open. It’s like that Bruno Mars song, and I’m leaning far away as possible. I might as well have not even been on the bench anymore, but he’s not sensing my body language. It’s like kissing a teething baby, and I’m drowning. I’m waiting for it to be over, and finally he leans back and says, “Mmm. Coffee.” (Eye roll).

I’m chill for a minute. I think, “he got his kiss, and he won’t do it again…” Ha! Nope! Rick leans in for another kiss (more wet and disturbing from the last), but this time he gets the picture. He says that he feels like I’m pulling away. Well, no shit, Detective Rick. But I play nice anyways and tell him that I want to take things slow, but really I all I wanna do is take him to his car.

We continue on with the tour……… all the way back to his car. We make no detours. I try to be the worst date ever  so he knows this is never happening again. I talk about my ex-boyfriend, I never let him get a word in, and I’m just flat out annoying. We’re at his little Honda civic, and he gives me another wet dog kiss and drives away.

I felt like I needed to do deep prayer and meditation afterwords because the date was so disturbingly violating that I need something spiritual in my life to cleanse me. I hope Rick finds love eventually. I really do. I just think he needs a better approach and any person who’s down for the challenge may God bless ’em.

So moral of the story: Tinder really sucks sometimes and you just gotta roll with the punches if that’s your means of finding bae. Otherwise just meet people the old fashioned way… at a bar.

Yours truly,

Chels

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